New Breath

I just finished my second book of the year moments ago...
It is only Feb. 5th of 2007.
I haven't been to the gym or gone specifically outside to work on the "temple" in over a month.
Although the gym had been one of my new comitments for this year another one of my comitments was to draw closer to a closer group of friends and so far this has proven worthwhile! I hope you feel the same...Tea-Bag & Van Slykers.

There is a new breath inside me. And I apologize for my silence here for months, but I guess I needed to take some time to find this new breath.

Hope is always new. Accusations come in all shapes and sizes in all kinds of different time frames.

This new breath will change lives forever.

This new breath realizes failure is an event, not a person. -thank you Craig
This new breath is letting you know HOPE ACCUSES has received another breath, A New ONE!

How about you?

t... as always, the rest is up to you.

Contaminated Evidence

In the begining our parents revealed the truth to us
As we grew we became ourselves, each one different in our own way
But the truth taught by our parents, in many of us, is not the same...

Can Truth change?

It's been contaminated. The truth that "everything will be ok" instilled in us by our parents at times becomes the biggest lie they've ever told. So many of us are just older empty shells of the children we used to be. We still dream, we still love, but everything is not ok. We've been contaminated. The truth we once knew, the truth that our parents will pull us through has dwindled away and left us to make our own truth. In other words, we were influenced by those much "cooler" than our parents. We see the "cooler" hit the most home runs, then right a book about how he cheated with drugs, then we see the "cooler" write and perform songs about rebellion, only to find the end of his rebellion at the end of a shot gun. And after this there is another who sings about a different type of rebellion, a rebellion of change, the change to find truth in yourself, your slogan, "Think for yourself, question authority." I thought for myself, questioned authority and I was left addicted to deviance. I was left contaminated. And sadly, I know I'm not alone.

Can Truth be contaminated?

No, we've just been given contaminated evidence. Do you remember that small, yet very important urge at Christmas time we get to give all of our friends the biggest and coolest gift. I know that urge, and I also know I supress it the minute I realize what it is going to cost me.

Can the Truth I once knew in my parents, extend past my parents?

(more coming soon, Truth is speaking to me)

Am I all that meets the eye, or less than appears?

Well I guess I'd have to start with what I know I am, and question why I am that way and what I'm doing with those traits:

-I'm outspoken, but do I follow through with I'm seaking out about?
-I'm energetic, but do I use my energry in the correct places?
-I'm hopeful, but do others see hope or do they only see my doubts?
-I'm honest, and I don't have any questions about that.
-I'm not humble, and I never really have been. But I do care, I care a lot! I hate it when people I know are hurting, or are in pain. I just want to squeeze the hurt out of them, and make them some of my famous spicy chicken noodle soup! You see, my life has been truly blessed in the fact that the pain in my life has been 99% self-inflicted, meaning if I'm complaining, it's my fault. So the next time you hear me ranting, call me out! Things such as losing close friends & family, or being the victim of happenings such as rape or cancer or abuse or tragedy, have passed me by, but not leaving me untouched. My heart aches every time I hear stories about any one of those things and my mind immediately races through ideas of what I can do, or what I can give just to ease a little pain. Unfortunetly many times the ideas fade before anything has been done, and I very much blame myself for that. So, in being all that meets the eye I would have to say I come up short.

Especially living openly as a follower of Christ, I not only need to step it up, but I want to! This morning I read in Romans, "Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes." And this hit me because at the time the apostle Paul wrote this, he wrote it to Romans, who ruled over the Jews that followed "the law" that God had given them. Now Romans not really believing in one God, but in many, saw the Jews following this list of things they can and cannot do, and they just saw no reason in any of it. Very understandable, I know growing up I didn't want to follow a list of cans and cannots. Then the Romans come in contact with this man Paul, a very powerful Jew who hated Christ followers to the point of killing them, then all of a sudden becomes Christ's biggest follower (later writing over 75% of the new testiment). There was something that changed in Paul, he didn't forsake the Law he was taught his whole life, but he found the end of the law in Christ! Confused? Me to, hang in there.

Being a Christian today I think very much looks like being a Jew back in the day of the Roman Empire, today it seems that we are only following this list of rules of cans and cannots that the "good book" tells us to. As much as I want to tell you this isn't true, I can't. But I can tell you this, when I finally forgot Christianity and actually searched for Christ, it made sense, I found that everything he did he did in love. When he cried, he cried for me & you, when he laughed, he laughed with me & you, and when he died, he died for me & you and ended "the law." He ended the rules, the "cans and cannots." There are no rules to love. There are no more amounts to fulfill love. Love is a lifestyle. Love isn't republican. Love isn't democrat. Love is all that meets the eye, and yes I am less than I appear, but now you know where I'm coming from. And now, because of Christ being the end of rules, I can now begin becoming all that meets his eyes.

t... love is the end, no more rules, the rest is up to us!

Three Questions...

Over the last few days I've been listening to one of ErwinMcManus's sermons he gave earlier this year, and through listening he asks three questions. These questions struck me as very important especially right now in this transitional part of my life! These are those questions:

1.) Am I more than meets the eye, or less than appears?

2.) Do I give more than I take, or do I take more than I give?

3.) Do I finish what I start or do I quit before I'm done?

I am scared to answer these questions, and I am scared of my future. Lifechurch (the church Hyde and I most frequently attend) just finished a series called "My Secret." Throughout this series many people came forward with thier secrets, of addictions, or cheating, or living a lie and so on. All five messages were amazing but meanwhile I sat there truly searching for my secret. I have been searching over and over my life and I really don't hold many secrets, but listening to Erwin's message these last few days, these questions have provoked my secret. I dread failure to the point I won't try. Amazing visions are usually lost in disbelief. Then doubt sets in and I become less, I begin to take and totally forget about giving, just to quit before anything ever began.
It is sad. It is sad because I have these amazing relationships with God & my wife, my friends & family and even strangers, that comes so naturally. I take them all for granted. So after a summer of searching I've realized "my secret," I've turned my back on the glory of God, because I'm scared of failure.
This is my secret, and now it's out. My next few posts will be attempts to face my fear, and answer these three questions.

t... no more secrets, no more doubt. This one is up to me, and my trust & faith in You.

Nothing is old after all

New engagements
New ventures
New inspirations
New music
New days
New hours
New minutes
New seconds
New breath
New sound
New sight
New life.

Now breathe
Now listen
Now look
Now enjoy
Now hope
Now love
Now encourage
Now move
Now change
Now create
Now restored to the purpose to which I & we are called to
Now new.

t... He restored us new, now... now is up to us

My Bad!

A lot of people have asked me if I play an instrument or sing lately, but the sad fact is the only thing with music I can do well is appreciate it. But the coolest thing I receive from music is the ability to let the sounds take my mind and run wild with creativity and imagination. But then after a song is over, or the end of an album comes, creativity is held on pause until the next song or the next album comes out. When I find the right combination of music and piece of mind
and Divine inspirations, and invigorating conversations, stuff like this comes out...
When is it that I am going to find that place, or that piece of life, that doesn’t need the music to light imagination. I can sit for hours and hours just listening letting my mind fill and empty with each song, each verse, bridge, and chorus (and preferably a screaming finish). But back to that "place" where life feels right. Now just to clarify by right I don’t by any means mean perfect! Where what I’m doing feels right. I guess for example, the way you feel after drinking a cool glass of water, quenched but not satisfied, healthy. Yeah, healthy is a good description.
Tonight is a perfect description of my life. God blessed me with a new job (my dumb ass only gets worried and apprehensive). I then go to my current job and have one of the most fun nights I’ve had in years. Then this friendship that has been developing slowly with my buddy Pete busts wide open tonight. We are both just clowns looking for a laugh, but the coolest part of it is we aren’t competing but most definitely feeding off of one another We sat down after our shift and shared many more laughs and then the "new guy" Nate (from LA) sits down next to us and starts in on our conversation, it was just to damn bad he sat on the wrong side! We began talking about GOD. I love talking about God, and Nate had awesome topics running out of his brain about Him. So we sat and talked for almost an hour round and round about God and humans, and the mutual feeling that came between us was that it is humans screwing everything up. And there was peaceful resolve, in them, but in me there was something missing. I felt as though I was the one screwing things up, like I was the problem with Christianity. The further my relationship with God seems to deepen the closer I want to know Him but the further my heart wants to be around his people. Not to slam Christians but wake the #%*@ Up! We aren’t the only people that God loves, if you truly think about it God is probably really angry with "Christians" and what we have done with His word, and what we have done in His name. Damn it! I’m the problem! I am the problem! As humans we feel that we have to have an explanation for everything, we feel as though unwanted occurrences aren’t our fault! -I mean, if as you’re reading this you find gramatical and spelling errors, it isn’t my fault, but the spell checker’s!- Well it is, it is my fault and I’m the problem. This is sobering to say! Give it a shot. I, Me, am the problem. God has never mislead me, God has never lied to me, God has never tempted me, God has never cheated me, God has never stole from me, God has never slept with me and not called the next day, and God has never given up on me when I did all of these things to other people. It is me who has screwed up His sons image! And this is where I’m going to start again. I can’t and I don’t want to change anybody else’s lives but, I can change my life. I can stop blaming everything and everybody, suck it up and blame myself realize I am the problem with God’s people, then and only then instead of screwing life up for those who don’t know God, they might see or feel a piece of Him through me. But only because God is Good, I am Not. He has allowed me to see my faults and the only thing I can do is try to fix them!
This post is dedicated to Pete & Nate, who are definitely two of the most kick ass guys I’ve met in a long damn time! I’d kick it with both of you before a great percentage of the masses (get it?)! See you at work!

t... after the apologies, it is up to us!

It doesn't smell like teen spirit anymore...

This thing called life doesn't smell like teen spirit anymore! I'm not mad at my parents anymore and I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to be the lead singer in a post-hardcore alternative emo\screamo rock band. I also know I have a mortgage to be responsible with, I can't just run out to Subway & Panda Express & the "B.K. Lounge," or to Best Buy & Zia to feed the addiction of the post-hardcore alternative emo\screamo rock music that flows into my ear! And most of all I now have a commitment to the coolest woman I've ever met, my wife Heidi (she definetly hasn't smelled like teen spirit for a long long time).

So the question I'm asking is, do I miss the "Teen Spirit"? I miss the drive, the fire to absolutlely change everything I didn't like about myself or my life. These days the "things" I'm unhappy\unsatisfied with are being put off, or just set aside. I miss the freedom of believing that I have all the time in the world to become whatever I want to become... and the future looked soo bright! These days the future is clouded with the question, what do I want to become? I'm just not sure, and as frustrating as it is I've realized a few things. I enjoy entertaining, I like being with people, I've found when I'm alone I make myself angry because I don't push myself as hard as I can go. Examples: workouts are much shorter without Heidi, nights alone are wasted in front of the t.v., the smallest task seems like the end of the world... I could go on & on and all of us who read this could. But the fact is LIFE DOES NOT SMELL LIKE TEEN SPIRIT ANYMORE!

Then WHAT? WHY? WHO? WHERE? WHEN? HOW? What am I running from? What am I running to? And why? Why am I running? I'm running because there is, and there are soo many "things" that need to be done! It is a matter of determining what these "things" are right now. A few of mine are, finding true joy in the breathes I take, loving my friends more, training the bow-wow to be a good bow-wow, leading my family through and to Christ, giving everything I've got to Heidi and making her the happiest woman alive. Most of all though, I want to show everyone I meet in every step I take, that even when the scent of "teen spirit" is gone, and my job is exhausting and painful, that there is another Spirit inside of me and you that changes lives. Yes "teen spirit" is gone but there is the One that never goes away and it stays with us no matter how far away we run! It is a matter of embracing it.

This summer has been tough on me, because of selfishness, because I've been dwelling on what "should've been", and what "should be." Remember "teen spirit" is gone. GONE! I needed a break from everything and everyone. I received it, and found out what I'm running from... What am I running from? Love. Who am I running from? My wife, family, friends, God. Where am I running to? I am leaving this one to God, in other words trusting blindly. When am I running from? The past, it is over and gone, no more teen spirit, there is only the living spirit! Why am I running? I'm running because I have chosen to live now and there is so much that needs to be learned and taught, so many people to reach out to, so much help that can be given by the power of fellowship. And lastly How am I going to run? With a smile on my face! I love to laugh, whether it making fun of myself, joking with friends, or listening to the unbelievable visions that God gives me, I love laughing.

To this day, I still love the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit," but what it means to me has definetly changed over the years. I urge everybody reading this to listen to something that used to move you, that used to light that fire in your soul. Then take a moment to see how far you've come, and take a glance at where you're going, and does it feel right. You will know if it is right, it is something nobody is going to be able to answer but yourself. Can you feel that spirit you used to call "Teen Spirit" moving you. Are you smiling remembering? Are you smiling because you have no idea what is to come? Since I've remembered what I'm running for I can't stop smiling!

I love you, all of you.
RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Through t... finding joy is up to us!